Over the past month I have been forced to take a step back from writing to maintain a higher level of privacy within my personal life- but oh how I miss it. I miss being so overcome with emotion as I sit at the computer that my eyes begin to well with tears. I use my writing as a way to process my thoughts and feelings about my current life circumstances- running, life and the like- and I miss it. I miss it so much so that I’m back- with caution- but I’m back. But first a few words…
On this blog I put my heart and soul out there for the world to see. I pull back the curtain and crack the window to connect with the world around me. The purpose? To process my experiences, to own my story and move forward. To let others know that they’re not alone in their struggles and strife. To press onwards. To never give up. To never stop running- on the road or in life.
Fortunately and unfortunately blogs are public. Anyone can read my words, look at my pictures and make assumptions about my life. Some may think I’m a health nut- I assure you I am not. Others may make their own assumptions on the circumstances of my separation- but you don’t have the whole story (heck, I barely have the whole story). Lastly, other readers may think that I’m pressing onwards without a care in the world and that this divorce didn’t phase me- it did, it does, every single day. I lost my best friend, my family and my future in one foul swoop. If that doesn’t make your world stand still for some time I don’t know what will. But no one needs to hear about my endless tears when I drop Lillian off at school on Mondays for an entire week (due to custody agreement) or calling my mom crying in the middle of the night to process this mess. I could give you more examples, but that’s not the point of this blog.
This blog is about running.
This blog is about learning to cope with change.
This blog is about learning to dig deep into the well of courage.
This blog is about moving forward, pressing on and to NEVER STOP RUNNING- no matter what.
While a reader may enjoy my story, my true intention is that you will be able to connect to the feelings that rise up and out from the screen before you. My hope is that when you read the entries of this blog you will experience just that: hope. Hope is an amazing, powerful feeling that keeps us moving forward when our world feels that it is spinning uncontrollably around us. Hope, albeit very small at times, gives us the strength to move forward into the unknown even when our world feels dark. Some days the world spins a little too fast and we need to take pause, but the belief that something good, different and new exists out there in the world- well that gets us back up.
Lately I’m doing my best to look forward more often than I look back. At times I have to look back- to learn, accept and process it all. But most of my days are spent looking forward. The future is completely blank. My career, future relationships, what I train for and when I marathon next, and even how I spend my evenings- these things are completely up to me. A blank page. A fresh start. It’s exciting, daunting and eerie all at once.
So what have I been doing this past month? Mostly recovering, running and resume writing. No news to report yet, but slowly but surely I’m finding my way.
My run game? I’m putting in thirty miles a week post Boston while I decompress. I’m just running to run- no plan, no coach- just run for fun for a few weeks and then develop next steps, goals and a plan. I needed this break, desperately.
Speaking of running- I’ve got to fit mine in today so I’m off…
~ The Lone Runner