It should be no surprise to you that I am extremely interested in identity development and formation throughout the lifespan. That’s what this blog has really become, hasn’t it? A raw account of how I’m making my way through this world as I continually strive for the ups and learn to navigate the downs. Week in, week out that’s what I’m doing: I’m working hard to create the life I want to live (and create for my daughter) and tackling whatever unanticipated chaos comes my way.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record I was completely blindsided last October and I’m feel as if I’m still healing. If any of you readers out there have gone through a difficult break up or divorce maybe you share some insight into this process. Some days I’m completely in the moment, creating anew and enjoying my daughter, my job, my run; I’m just gleefully living my life. But then a song comes on or a feeling of doubt washes over me and I get pulled back into the squall. I fight the waves to find my way back to the relaxing moment I’m in but I can’t. I’m left feeling unsettled and distracted. Will I ever truly be healed? Will I ever truly trust again? Does anything actually last forever? I deeply want to believe so. I have hope, the irrevocably complicated minx of an emotion. What am I hoping for? Some days its someone to share my life with. Other days it’s just a partner to laugh with in the moment. But most days I’m focusing on wanting to know that I can tackle with world on my own, well…. or at least with the help of my friends and family.
Last winter I wrote a post entitled Two Feet and I set some goals… resolutions I suppose… for myself. I even bought myself a white board for my bedroom and wrote “Get your shit together Kass” on the top. Have no fear, my shit isn’t a complete mess, however it’s undeniable that there’s room for improvement. On the white board I initially listed the my version of steps I want to take to get my life together and become an independent, self-sufficient woman and mother. A few of the steps included:
- Prioritize Lilly. Make sure she knows she is loved. Work hard to create the life I want her to live. Laugh and love.
- No boys allowed: no serious relationships for now.
- Career- Register for Sports Psychology Certificate program and keep your eye out for job opportunities.
- Cook- Learn to cook actual meals and consider (gasp) actually meal prepping on Sundays.
- Running- Prepare for Sugarloaf 26.2 in May and start to think about the plan for next fall.
- Social- Fill free time with family and friends who will fill your heart and make you laugh.
- Eat all the cookies. 🙂 Continue to seek out balance with nutrition.
So how am I doing ? Well I’m nailing #7 like a boss.
I’m just living life. Some days feel totally balanced, happy and effortless. Other days have me getting a flat tire while driving the 2 miles from my parents to my sisters house. Yup, $250 down the drain. Sending out a special thank you to the pothole on Sussex Turnpike in New Jersey. Other days have had me getting sick with a stomach virus at work…in front of a client… FUUUUUCK… (quite possibly the most embarrassing day in my liiiiiiiiiiiife). Cheers to spending an entire day writing training plans in bed while watching episodes of New Girl. (Note: Greys Anatomy made me cry too often, damn tv dramas, so I have switched to New Girl about the affable, awkward chaos that ensues within the dating scene. It’s totes approps for me now.). I’m doing ok though- seriously. Most days I feel calm, rested and present. I get lonely, sure. But not as often. I’m filling my life with things that I want to do, people I want to surround myself with and memories that I want to make. I’m getting there. Just have to keep moving forward.
Running: My training for Sugarloaf has been a mild shit show. While I’m feeling much much better these days the swollen knee/weak hip from a few weeks back put my speed workouts on hold. I’m getting in a solid weekly volume of 50-60 mpw with a long run at 18 miles, but I haven’t done any of the traditional workouts that push my threshold into the gaining speed. My mental focus has been lacking. I’ve been feeling very distracted and mildly uninspired this cycle. I’m getting in the runs and I love racing, but something feels different. Well shit, something is different. I don’t have my running partner anymore. I don’t have a coach. It’s just me, myself and I on the road day in, day out. Hmmm. I’m processing this as I’m writing it- since I’ve sworn off silly boys and serious relationships I’m questioning whether or not I want to invest in getting a coach again to help me refocus for a new adventure when I’m ready. I’ve been bopping around the idea of doing an ultra next fall. Maybe I’m all talk, maybe not. I haven’t decided anything concrete. What I do know is that I’m looking to be inspired, to be challenged by someone or something and I’ll know it when it hits me.
I’ve been leaning on friends and family a lot over the past few months. After MV I headed down to New Jersey to spend time with my family. There I realized that my parent’s love for me now goes directly to their dogs, Ranger and Lilac.
Then again, my mom did bake me a Christmas ham in February so she is forgiven!! I haven’t had a ham in probably three years. Does anyone else get a hankerin’ for a good ham or is that just me?? ‘Tis okay. I’m comfortable with myself and the amount of ham, pineapple and sweet potatoes consumated that evening.
Cooking: While in Jersey I cooked my parents dinner, One-pan BBQ Chicken. The recipe calls for chicken thighs, bacon, peppers and onions, diced tomatoes and BBQ sauce. It is idiot-proof and only requires one pan, hence I LOVE IT!! The recipe is originally from Carrot’s n Cake’s blog and can be found HERE. I paired this with Trader Joe’s cornbread and string beans, although you could also serve it with rice. I have made it several times and it consistently comes out delicious, but that could also be because I’ve never cooked with chicken thighs before. Drool. I’m telling you- I’m determined to get better at this cooking thing!! I think I’m off to a solid start. I mean, mom and dad actually ate it. That’s gotta count for something.
Career: Two months ago I was accepted into a Sports Psychology Certificate program. It’s the first step towards integrating my passions of counseling and run coaching. On nights and weekends I have been completing Kinesiology coursework. I am one test and one paper away from finishing my first of six courses for this certificate. Most of my weekend will be devoted to completing my research paper on the physiological changes that occur throughout the life span that impact marathon training in Master’s marathoners. Furthermore, I’m interested in how these physiological changes impact how Master’s athletes should alter their mental training for race day. This weekend’s gonna be off the hoooooooook with research and journal articles. After Kinesiology wraps up I will shift gears for my next class which starts in early April: Performance Enhancement. So far I’m enjoying the coursework and it’s healthily and begrudgingly keeping me busy.
So it’s now nearly 10 am and I kinda want to run. Sorry this post was so disjointed. My mind feels scattered lately. Speaking of scattered here are some of my random thoughts to get you thinking.
Random Thoughts. I’ve had some random thoughts over the past week and I can’t help but wonder… Does anyone else…
* Put clean running clothes in drier to warm them up before a winter run?
* Give each leg a mere 3 flicks of the razor and think, “yeaaaa that’ll do just fine.”
* Ever go to bed before 9 pm and think “ahhhhhhhhhhhh yes, this is living?”
* Wish you could shower sitting down? No, I don’t mean a bath, I really mean shower sitting down after a LONG run when your legs are turned to jello and they’re all floopsy.
* HAVE TO eat a scoop of ice cream immediately upon purchase no matter the time of day?
* Make up completely random songs that are really just sentences but are more fun when said to a jingly tune? Do you ever think that this is the reason you actually had a child so that you could do just this without it being weird :). Yay social norms.
* Put your damp smelly running jacket in the drier to do a “quick
wash n’ dry” in the morning?
* Like to eat dried figs as a snack AND aren’t presently collecting social security ? Please please please say yes!!
* Suspect that kleenex is secretly laced with a substance that makes you need to use more keenex???
And on that note I’m off to run….
Can’t stop, won’t stop.
The Lone Runner