Exactly what does getting divorced do the human psyche and how we operate in relationships?
I’m experiencing it first-hand and it’s crystal clear that I’m scarred. Will these scars heal? I think so. I hope so. I want to believe so. These scars aren’t a matter of “being strong.” I am strong. I know I’m strong. I have completed 5 marathons, am working two jobs, am in a long-distance relationship, am raising the most amazing little girl and I’m doing on my own. F yea, I’m strong. But allowing yourself to love isn’t about being strong. It’s about opening yourself up to the possibility of being deeply hurt. I may be one strong woman, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not afraid.
A married woman shows her strengths and weaknesses to her husband because “for better or worse” means that she doesn’t have to be perfect all the time.
This divorced woman doesn’t know if she believes in vows anymore. She wants to. She truly does. But deep down inside she is deathly afraid of being rejected for her flaws and imperfections.
A married woman believes in true love and happily ever after.
This divorced woman will tell others that she does believe. She desperately wants to believe. And yet, her emotional scars leave her heart and mind plagued with suspicion. Does any relationship last forever? This divorced woman is haunted by her fears that the new one she loves will leave her.
A married woman feels secure in love.
This divorced woman worries that security is a farce.
A married woman wakes up next to her partner and her world feels complete.
This divorced woman wakes up alone and feels blank. Has she taken steps forward? Backward?
Then when the day comes that she wakes up next to a new partner her eyes fill with tears because she wonders how long it will last. She loves him so incredibly much. She feels lucky to be with him and never wants it to end. But she felt this way once before….
A married woman is 100% certain that she and her husband love each other.
This divorced woman knows that nothing in life is certain.
A married woman trusts her intuition.
This divorced woman is suspicious of her own intuition.
This divorced woman is afraid to trust.
This divorced woman is deeply scarred.
Am I too negative? Simply more self-aware?
I am in an amazing relationship with a man who loves me for exactly who I am and yet my scars surface far too easily. These days I need more reassurance than before. I am emotionally needy. I am incredibly guarded. I desperately want to give myself over to shiny allure and nourishing love in my new relationship and yet there are moments when I stop myself. I throw my wall up and tell myself that it would be easier to run away. If I’m alone then I won’t get my hopes up. If I’m alone then I can’t be hurt again. And yet if I am alone then I’ll never experience love again.
Being in love is the most amazing experience for a woman.
Being in love is the most gut-wrenching, terrifying experience for this divorced woman.
I’m in love and I’m completely and utterly terrified.
The Lone Runner
*Note: I wanted to add an additional note here. I reread this post and it seems that I put married women on a pedestal as if they don’t have any worries in the world. This is not my intent. When I wrote this post and wrote “married women…” I was really referring to how I felt as a married woman. There was a time I trusted my intuition, felt certain in love and where my world felt complete. Since my divorce those things have changed. To all the married women out there reading this: I know you have your own battles, fears and stressors. My post isn’t intended to minimize those struggles, but more to highlight how my perception of love has changed from my first marriage to now.